and i cannot lie

this morning, i was trying to get ready (and the boys were, of course, following me around like shadows).  there is always a running commentary.


"mommy, is that you mascara?"

"mommy, i can hold you mascara?"

"mommy, makeup is not for boys.  it's for glurls!"

"...mommy, you a glurl?"

"mommy, desmond hit me!  he hit me with two hands!"


and today, when i was getting dressed, desmond made another observation.

"mommy, is that you big bum?"


yes. yes it is.

thank you for that.

unrelated picture

i hope you're having a pleasant weekend.

alone on a saturday night

and what else is there to do but blog?  (since i'm currently banning myself from watching any more episodes of Dollhouse...i get creeped out very easily.)

1.  i think i'm in love.  you know that amazing triple chocolate ghirardelli brownie mix that comes in a 6 pack at costco?  we call them crack brownies.  i have been unable to replicate them.  they are amazing...i bought myself some small ramekins specifically for those brownies.  i keep the batter in the fridge and pop a ramekin of it in the oven whenever i feel like it.  which is usually at least twice a day.

2.  speaking of love, yesterday was silas' and my 5 year wedding anniversary.  we celebrated with deliciously authentic (to me) indian food, complete with bellydancing.  (meaning there was a very talented belly dancer at the restaurant.  neither silas nor i did any belly dancing.  i just felt the need to clarify that.  i mean, we would have joined in, but i forgot my sequined bra and he left his coin skirt in the car.)

3.  bobby pins.  every day.

apparently my default is "brooding face"

4.  today was what i would call an excellent hair day.  observe what a little effort can do:

air dried

after enlisting the help of some beach spray and a diffuser + curling iron.  then slept on it.

the problem is, since i've gotten my hair cut, i haven't been able to style it the same way twice.  meaning, i don't have a chance in hell of getting it to look like this again.

bummer.

4.  sometimes this happens instead.

photobomber tesla...this is a really attractive picture of both of us

i'm just not really sure what to do with that.  with long hair, you can always throw it in a ponytail.  with short hair...point me to the nearest hat store.

5.  less than a month until masterchef starts!!  

6.  so, when i'm reading my friends' blogs, i'll often check the sidebar and read some of their friends' blogs.  (because i'm nosy like that.)

sometimes i'll see someone out and about (in public) and think, "how do i know you?" and then, thankfully before i engage the person in what is bound to be awkward conversation, i remember that i'm recognizing her from her blog.  and that she has no idea who i am, even though i know her and her kids' names and where she and her husband met.

it makes me feel like such a creeper.

reading about other people's lives is just so interesting...

7.  i can't remember if i posted this picture already (and i'm not about to go check), but these two little men with their bandaid-ed bellies make me smile.

have a happy weekend.

pipe cleaners and pom poms

today, for the first time in a long time, we did a little impromptu preschool.

pipe cleaner twisted around a marker

we started off trying to weave pipe cleaners through a cooling rack.  (inspiration here)  i demonstrated it a few times (the boys promptly pulled them out) and then let them have a go.

that lasted approximately two minutes.  it was a little beyond them.

moving on then.  

next i brought out the pom poms and lidded container.  they spent some time putting them in the hole, and used the cardboard tube as a chute to make it a little more fun.

i had an idea and got the cookie sheet (which fits conveniently underneath the cooling rack--excellent crumb catcher when you're cutting homemade bread, fyi).  we dropped the small pom poms through the slats and took turns poking the big ones down.  

my next brilliant idea was a slide.  (this was a good day for me, friends--after coming off of a medication that had me feeling like a complete zombie for most of last week, i felt amazing today)*.  

that orange blur is a ball sliding down.

also, at what age do i have to stop dressing them alike?

we took turns holding the tube (and by "took turns" i mean i held it 90% of the time) and sticking pom poms down it.  they popped out the other end, slid nicely down the nonstick surface of the cookie sheet, and fell through (or were poked through) the slats of the rack.  this one was a hit.

after desmond went down for his nap tesla and i had about 20 more minutes to play.  we spent it doing this color matching game using, once again, the pipe cleaners and pom poms.

tesla had a script for us as we played.

tesla: say, tesla, what color do you want?

me: tesla, what color do you want?

tesla: um...green.

(i hand it to him)

tesla: (gives it back to me) say, there. 

me: there.

tesla: mommy, what color do you want?

me: um...blue.

tesla:  you want red?

me: sure. red.

tesla: big one or small one?

me: small one.

tesla: you want big one?

me: sure. big one.

talk about leading questions.

*yes, these simple activities are me at my creative peak.  be impressed.

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i hope your week is starting off well.  oh, and happy april fool's day.  i'm not on facebook anymore so i missed all the fake pregnancy announcements and completely forgot about this venerated holiday.  but if you pranked someone today, i hope you got 'em good.

those boys

are so dang cute sometimes.

 desmond with the giant bear he found at the library

tesla combing his hair...that lip!

they make me pretty happy.

age difference

"okay, see the shapes?  we're going to put stickers all the way around.  like this.  see, it goes on the black line."



the 3 year old

time occupied: ~30 minutes (some help was given, since he wanted to take turns putting stars on)

the 2 year old

time occupied: ~5 minutes

*note:  all the stickers that are actually on the square were done by me.




any questions?

savages

when i was growing up, we had a black lab/chow mix named nala.

she was sweet and neurotic and in most ways very un-doglike.

but whenever we would subject her to a bath in the backyard, she always reacted the same way.

she stood, rigid as a statue, while we hosed her down and lathered her up.  her look of pathetic resignation was almost enough to convince us we truly were torturing her.  (almost.)  we tried our best to choke back our guilt as we rinsed her off in the cold spray.

and then, the second we let go of her collar, she took off like a bat out of hell.

she would tear around the perimeter of the yard three times, as fast as her four furiously working legs could carry her girth.  then she would promptly go find a dead skunk and roll in it while cackling gleefully.


my children react much the same way to the shedding of their fabric confinement.  (minus the skunks, of course.)

as soon as those clothes hit the floor--FREEEEEDOOOOOOOMMMM!

they're running around the apartment--up the couch! down the couch! jump on mommy's bed! run out of mommy's room before she grabs us! up the bunk beds!  down the bunk beds!  life is good!  WE'RE NAKED!

unrelated picture of desmond when he trashed the closet (a.k.a. his bedroom) one night

at least they usually keep their nude voodoo dances within the walls of our apartment.

although there was that one time when they both escaped and took off streaking around all the buildings...

my neighbors love me.

snapshots

monday was my birthday.  we put up balloons.

unfortunately, they're right at the height of silas' head.  so they're going to have to come down soon.

i treated myself to a haircut on my birthday.  

of course, you can't really see it here.  (but can you tell that the duck tail is gone?!)  the stylist did an awesome job and completely listened to me.  i showed her some pictures of my goal hairstyles, and she cleaned my mullet up a lot and trimmed the back to shape it so it would grow out nicely.  i was prepared to lose a lot of length but it doesn't really feel shorter.  win win win.

now if only it would grow a foot overnight.

we wandered away from the playground the other day and found ourselves here.

it was peaceful and sunny and away from everyone.  the boys threw rocks and moseyed around.  it was one of those moments where everything is perfect and quiet--a suspension of time between the arguments and diaper changes and tiredness and tasks to be done.

we don't have those moments enough.  

i'm making my way (slowly, because i'm taking notes as i read and that always quadruples my book-reading time) through Buddhism for Mothers.  as i read it i catch glimpses of how things can be--peaceful, happy.  of course, i don't control all the factors, and let's face it--most of the time life with toddlers is not anyone's definition of peaceful.  

but i've had days, moments, that make me believe.  days where, by starting the day off with a little yoga and meditation (and i mean little...10 or 15 minutes total), i helped fill my reserves so i had a well of patience from which to draw all day.  i've had days before where i was able to mentally separate myself from everything, but rather than coming from a place of detachment, which is something i've struggled with a lot, i was able to act out of love and things just didn't affect me as much.

sometimes i spend all day reacting and correcting and feeling frustrated and selfish and tired.  i love the wee beasties but they can take a lot out of me if i'm not prepared.  it's amazing, though, what a huge, huge difference it makes when i'm in the proper mindset.

the feeling i'm trying to explain eludes description.  i'm not sure if i can accurately portray it in a blog post...but i know what it is.  i've felt it before.  

and i want it back.

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in case you're interested, my favorite parenting book:  Simplicity Parenting.

the squash baby

tesla has a history of adopting butternut squash(es?).

yesterday was no exception.

the moment i mentioned we needed one yesterday, his little ears perked up.  he helped me select a squash and then insisted on holding it through the rest of our grocery shopping trip (he was very upset when the checkout clerk put his squash in a bag...it was supposed to go in his arms!), in the car, and at home; where he promptly tucked it in for a nice rest on the couch.

later they took a nap together (i'm sure butternut squash was thrilled to share the top bunk with him), and just hung out.  like buddies.

that little boy.

we do plan on eating his new best friend later this week, but he's dealt with this type of trauma before.  i think he'll understand.


and here's an unrelated but cute picture of the boys after playing in the puddles from the rain the other day.

(i just checked the weather in a vain hope that maybe it would rain again today...no.  high of 81º.  i'm going to go cry.)

i'm listening to fall out boy

and it reminds me of when silas and i were dating.  that's probably the last time i heard a fall out boy song.

confession: i love taking pictures of myself.  maybe i've confessed this before.  it's not necessarily because i think i am just so breathtaking (ha!) that i have to be captured on [invisible digital] film...it's probably more due to the fact that i am my only willing subject.  (when i was growing up my dog and cats were occasionally forced into serving as my photographic victims--props and outfits included.)

when i was bored in high school i used to do my hair and makeup and take pictures of myself, playing around with the lighting (this was before instagram filters) and practicing my "serious model face" and working on trying to smile while still keeping my squinty eyes visible.

obviously my modeling career never took off.  but i still retain an adolescent love of self-portraits.  it's just fun, okay?  now that you know the extent of my vanity...

i've been taking a lot of pictures of my hair lately, because i may not cut it this short again and i want to remember it.  also, it seems like it changes almost weekly so it's fun to look back.  and when i'm having a really bad hair day it helps to look at pictures from a few days or weeks ago when my hair looked cute.  (looking at pictures of my long hair just depresses me because it feels so far away.)

i did an "updo"(and i use that term veeeeeery loosely here) today, which basically consisted of tying a headband (a.k.a. the hem of my grey t-shirt that i cut off) around my head and jamming a million bobby pins into the rest of it until it stayed back.  it doesn't look as cute as i thought it would.  it reminds me of this hairstyle i used to do in 6th grade, when i would pin my hair back with about 20 different butterfly clips in a cacophony of colors.  i thought it was trendy and awesome.  in reality (i've seen pictures) it was mostly just ridiculous.

 that fuzz at the bottom is my hair...i was trying to take a picture with the ipad of the back of my head.  

this is what happens to my head when i blowdry my hair upside-down.

and in other, non-self-focused news, we (meaning silas with a tiny bit of assistance from me) finally bunked up the boys' beds.  they love it.

have a lovely weekend.


-----------------------

also, just a reminder that i'm making my blog private, so if you want to keep reading and haven't sent me your email, you can leave it in the comments or email me (hcklaver@gmail.com).  and for those who have asked, it's just because i've gotten some sketchy websites showing up in the referring URLs and, since i have kids, i'd feel more comfortable narrowing down my audience.  however, if you are a normal person and have been secretly stalking me (and if you are, there is a very good chance i have read your blog too, since i am the blog stalking queen), now is the time to de-lurk!!  you don't have to know me to read the blog.  you just have to not be a creeper.

besos.

other stuff

the other morning i came into the kitchen to find tesla like this.

i was informed that he was making lemon cookies.  he sawed a lemon in half (i stepped in to supervise/assist right after i walked in and saw that huge knife in his hand), squeezed it into the bowl, and then dumped in some 9-grain cereal.  mmm.  tasty.

he was really set on having cookies though, so i promised him that we'd make some after he and D took their baths.  we ended up making chocolate chip cookies (for breakfast).  i was ready to make lemon but he changed his mind and decided chocolate chip sounded better.  can't blame him.



i love desmond's posture in this picture.

we found some kipper books at the library (not pictured) and the boys were THRILLED.  thrilled, i tell you.  they adore kipper.  so much so that i've been informed by several people that the boys sometimes speak with british accents.  (it's very amusing.)



the boys are finally getting to the age where craft projects might be in our foreseeable future.  i let them paint the other day and they loved it.  it actually occupied them for around 20 minutes, too, which is about 16 minutes longer than the last time we tried it.  

 tesla

 desmond

the final products 

and in other, very exciting news...the subaru keeps breaking down so i have been forced to learn to drive a stick shift.  i am proud to announce that today, i drove the troopacabra* to the grocery stores and home without any mishaps, tickets, or maiming of pedestrians!

ye olde troopacabra.  i feel so legit driving it around.

what's new with you?

---------------

*a while back we nicknamed the trooper "the troopacabra" (see chupacabra), and now that's what the boys call it every. time.  "where's daddy's troopacabra?  you gonna drive the troopacabra mommy?  we go ride in the troopacabra and see the snow**?"

**they're obsessed with snow, even though we don't get any here.  we're going to have to take a trip up to flagstaff during break so they can see some.

playing grown up

i'm not much of a makeup person.

i really want to be.  i admire women who know how to transform their look--who can go from day to evening with a sweep of smoky shadow or bold lipstick.  there's a certain power in knowing how to flaunt your femininity.  i want that power.

my "evening look" is very similar to my "day look"...just a little more smudged.  what i thought was a "fresh face" in the morning light usually turns into the "i just rolled out of bed after sleeping in my makeup" look--my mascara has traveled down to create a dark ring under my eyes and my eyeliner, if i'm wearing any, has mysteriously disappeared.

i have a few tubes of lipstick that i picked up on a whim.  once or twice a year, i break them out and pretend i'm going somewhere fancy.  (a.k.a. i just wear them around the house.)

two weeks ago i wore heels to church.  i own exactly one pair of heels and that three hours was the most wear they've gotten in the last, oh....four years or so.

i want to have plans tonight.  i want a reason to look pretty and wear my heels and a gorgeous little dress  (note to self: buy a gorgeous little dress).  even though i've pretty much come to terms with my jeans-and-tee personality, sometimes i still want to live the glam life a little.

we tend to keep it pretty low-key around here, though.  most of us don't even bathe daily.

and that's okay, too.  i can just pretend to be glamorous.

maybe i'll start teaching the boys the fine art of dress-up....

what i want vs. what they need

one of the hardest lessons for me to learn as a mother has been that you cannot. hurry. children.

and yet, no matter how many times i remind myself of this, i find myself trying to do it on an almost daily basis.

"what are you doing?  get your toothbrush out of the toilet and go put your sandals on!"

"let's go, please.  no, this way.  to the car.  to the car.  to the car."

"sweetie, i'm not going to go get your blanket; we're late for church.  now buckle your car seat or i will."

(at this point i would consider us "on time" for church if we arrived anytime within the first half hour of the meeting.)

now, sometimes you have to be in a hurry.  and i think that's okay.  but why, more often than not, do i find myself rushing around every day?

i think it's because i have this mental timetable in my head, a vision of how i think the day will/should go.  "i want to be home for lunch by 11:30 so I can get the boys down for naps before 1, and we have to go to the grocery store on our way home, which will probably take about an hour...so if we go on a 45 minute walk on the paved trail and stop at the playground for 30 minutes we can get some outside time in.  but we have to leave right now.  quick, where are the shoes?  are these leggings too tight to go out in public?  boys, sit down so i can brush your teeth!  where is the green water bottle?  stop pulling out all the wipes!"

finally, i'm on my way out the door and i realize suddenly that i smell two freshly dirtied diapers and the dog is whining to go potty.  and then someone accidentally shatters a jar of jelly on the floor.  cleaning up sticky, tiny shards of glass is quickly bumped up to priority #1.

i think sometimes i have to be willing to give up my schedule.  especially around naptime and bedtime...i'm just ready to clock out!  i don't often want to take the time to slow down, read some stories, and ease the boys into the transition.  but when i don't, it means i lock two still-wound up boys in a room for a few hours and they stay awake the whole time, giggling and jumping on their beds and breaking picture frames.  (okay, just one picture frame.)

lately i've been trying to be more mindful of the times when my children seem to just need some down time.  yesterday, after a naptime of not napping (and breaking the aforementioned picture frame), i went to get the boys out of their room.  they were, of course, tired, which manifested itself in tears and clinginess and a propensity to default to meltdown mode at even the slightest glance.

so basically, not fun for me.

what did i want to do?  i wanted to get them to the park, to a friend's house, to the store--anywhere to distract them, anywhere but alone in this apartment with two nearly hysterical boys.

what did i do?  thankfully, i listened to my instincts this time, which told me that what the boys needed was some close, quiet time.  so i gathered them onto the couch with a small stack of books.  they snuggled up to me (after the initial "MY SIT ON MOMMY'S LAP!" "NO, MY SIT ON MOMMY'S LAP!" struggle) and i began to read to them.

it was interesting to see the change in tesla (desmond had a small fever yesterday so he didn't "recover" as quickly as T did and needed some extended snuggle time).  at first, he needed to be right on my lap, making sure he was getting an equal share of attention.  he was on the verge of tears, cranky...you know how it is.  but after a while, he began to smile a little at the stories.  then he sat up a little and pointed something out in the book.  he laughed.  and eventually, he was grinning and happy and got off my lap to play.

i know that if i had pushed them into doing something they weren't ready for yet because i didn't want to deal with their emotional moods, our afternoon would have gone much differently.  it was a good reminder for me to slow down sometimes.  when i have a whiny, clingy child at my feet, i need to remember that i can give him a few minutes of undivided attention, which most likely will "fill his tank" and allow me to finish what i was doing in peace.  or, i can keep doing what i was doing, trying to ignore him.  (hint:  definitely not the easiest or most fun option.  also, the child's mood could potentially get worse.)

our go-go-go culture isn't really conducive to peacefulness.  we have to seek it, to carve out that quiet time for ourselves. so tomorrow, look for some time for yourself or your children, if you have them, to slow down and decompress.

it will be worth it.

Tesla is 3

happy birthday to my little Tesla Miles.

his first day home from the hospital, a few days old

i never thought he'd grow hair.  he had such a round, bald, little head.

but eventually, he did.

everyone says this about their children, but he's so funny and sweet and smart.

he loves to help out (folding washcloths is his specialty) and he loves to cook.

as my boys grow up, they are becoming more and more fun.

babies are cute and sweet and fun, too, but there's something to be said for a little person who can actually talk to you and can express his own thoughts and feelings and opinions.

tesla has been SO. EXCITED. for his birthday.  when i told him it was coming up and asked what we were going to do on his birthday, he exclaimed, "have BIRTHDAY CUPCAKES?!?!"

he was practically shaking with excitement.

pinterest tried to convince me that i needed to go all-out on an organized, themed, perfectly decorated birthday bash.  but...that's really not me, guys.

this morning, silas took him out for breakfast, a birthday tradition he's passing down from his own family.

i'm going to put up streamers and balloons (if i can find where i stashed them), and make chocolate cupcakes with chocolate cream cheese frosting.  we're going to take boys to the train park in scottsdale, and then after naptime, the rest of the family (meaning everyone that lives here--my parents, grandma, and brother) is going to come over while we have pizza and cupcakes and presents.  we'll probably blow out a few candles...it'll be wild.

maybe i will go all-out and make a "happy birthday" sign.  we can always reuse it next month for desmond's birthday.  ;)


happy birthday, handsome little guy.