a small miracle

if you read my emo post, i'm sorry.  (just keepin' it real, guys.)

i had a break to regroup during naptime and the afternoon was significantly better.   (i mean, tesla did spent about an hour in "the corner", but at least i wasn't on the verge of an emotional breakdown.)

i didn't think discipline would be such a challenge for me.  although really, i don't know why i'm surprised.  i'm white (i love that book by the way.  silas had to read it for a class back in the day and he recommended it to me.  it has given me so much insight into my personality, and into our marriage--we're a rare white/white couple, and that creates some pretty significant issues).  i've never really commanded authority (or even meekly requested it).

because of this, "finding myself" as a mother and an authority figure has been challenging.  but i'm sure most of us struggle with it to some degree.

all that aside, what i really wanted to tell you was what happened during dinner.  i made the boys each an egg and then we had cooked wheat berries and kale prepared like this (BEST recipe for cooked greens--i don't have to choke them down).  i fully expected them to eat the egg and nothing else.

but.

they ATE the KALE!

ALL OF IT!

AND HAD SECONDS!

(for all of you out there who think i feed my kids super healthy--i don't think a single vegetable has passed their lips, except in quiche form, in about a year.  so them willingly eating something green and leafy and not disguised by egg and cheese was HUGE.)

it was a tender mercy from the Lord.

and i'm not being sarcastic.

i desperately needed to feel like i did something right today, and them eating a food they would normally not even look at nearly brought me to tears.

maybe i'm doing okay after all.

disciplining wee beasties is not for the faint of heart

i am a raincloud today.

that's me.  spreading cheer wherever i go.

in the same pajamas i've worn for 3 days and 2 nights straight...

(i am not a "fake it till you make it" kind of person.  just so you know.)



i called my mom and cried this morning about how frustrated, confused, ineffective, and lost i felt.

she listened and gave just the right amount of advice and made me feel a little better.

then i stress-ate 4 reeses cups and a quesadilla.

(so of course now i feel like crap.)

chocolate and cheese used to be my go-to binge (alternating, not in the same mouthful.  ugh).  i know it sounds disgusting, but sweet + salty never lets you down.

one day i would like to talk to you about my history with food, because i think it's something that needs to be talked about.  not that my story is really epic or anything, or even really interesting or unusual, but because i've made progress.  and i think sometimes, when you're in the worst of it, you need to know that progress is possible.

today, however, is not that day.

today is the day where i narrate my life really dramatically in my head and wallow annoyingly in self pity for a little longer.

(i bet you're thinking i could use a little shot of that fake optimism right about now, eh?)

well...

i could use a shot.