a post about nothing

i have, once again, taken an unintended absence.  i wish i had some big, exciting news to break the silence.  but alas, i do not.

i've suddenly decided i want to reminisce a bit.  please do indulge me.

2012 was a transformative year for me.  and probably (in the end), one of my best.

funnily enough though, nothing "big" happened.

i didn't get pregnant or have a baby, i didn't start school or graduate.  i didn't fall in love or get married or travel to an exotic land.  (i did read 78 books though.)

it started out being one of the worst years i've experienced*.  i was so lost, and i felt hopeless and beaten down.  i didn't see how things could possibly improve.  i began making contingency plans.

but somehow, miraculously, things did get better.  not overnight.  not in a month or even two.  but gradually, very gradually.  it wasn't until the very end of the year that i could say with any certainty, "hey.  we made it."  (and not only did we survive, but we're happy!)

i changed in 2012.  i began to discover who i really was.  as cheesy and stupid as that sounds, it is the truest thing i've said all day.  i've spent most of my life as a chameleon--one of the things i like about myself is that i can adapt quickly and with relative ease to my friends and their interests.

and one of the things i don't like about myself is that i can adapt quickly and with relative ease to my friends and their interests.

i've spent a lot of time being other people, so when the cumulative events of last year struck (allow me to invoke a wee bit of melodrama and say it was a bit of a crisis year), i was forced to figure myself out.

and it was one of the best things that's ever happened to me.

i'm hoping to continue that trend this year--one of my resolutions is to "be heather" (thank you, gretchen rubin).

happy 2013, my internet friends.  (17 days late, yes.)



*i know it's highly annoying when people talk about their lives in vague, cryptic terms.  my apologies.  i'll try to fill in more details later if i deem it appropriate.

what a difference a [trim] makes

my hair is usually in one of two stages:

1.  i just chopped it off

2.  i'm growing it out

i almost never (ever) get trims.  my reasoning is that if i'm going to pay money for a haircut, i want to look different!  

but.  

lately my hair has been terrible. 

"hair!"  i said.  "what happened?  why do you hate me?"

it looks stupid when i air dry it.  it won't style.  

i need a change!  to cut or dye (again)?

and then it dawns on me.  maybe all i need is that just brushed cut clean feeling.

maybe i actually need to invest in a trim.

so off we went, my hair and i.

et voila!

suddenly it doesn't suck so much anymore.

(and taking the time to, you know, style it after the gym helps.)

buuuuuut...i couldn't get "just a trim".  i needed to look a little different!   so i did what i promised myself and silas i wouldn't (under any circumstances!) do.

i got side bangs (again).  they're way too long and in my face all the time.  silas has taken to calling me "one eye".

...but they're easily pinned back and should grow out quickly.

moral of the story:  go get yo hair cut.

why daddies are way more fun

so yesterday was silas' last final of summer term (now he has 2 weeks off!), so he was able to join us for preschool.  when he asked if i needed help with anything, i asked him if he could rig up a simple living room obstacle course after we finished our first activity (talking about animal sounds and gluing cotton balls on sheep).

 he agreed, and so as soon as we finished, i called him in to help out.  unfortunately, i got sick all of a sudden and had to go rest on the bed.

(and let me just say here--when i said "obstacle course" i was thinking a few pillows, maybe crawling under the table, hopping up and down...you know.)

when i came out of the room (my random nausea--noi'mnotpregnantrightnow--was miraculously cured by a few minutes of lying on the bed and a couple nectarines), my jaw dropped.

he'd rigged up a kid's fantasy that began with crawling under the table (it had a sheet on it) and under the chair (a little tricky because of the way the chairs are designed), around a mattress standing on it's side, up 2 buckets onto a chair, and then the finale:  jumping from a plank laid across the two high chairs, (which were on top of the couch) onto a pile of about 14 pillows and 2 twin comforters.

well dang.



(the boys loved it, of course.  i didn't get any pictures but suffice it to say i've been totally upstaged.)

thoughts in the dark

"silas, do you think musicians ever get tired of their own music?  or maybe, since they wrote it and it has meaning to them, they don't ever get sick of it..."


"yeah, i'm sure they probably get tired of playing the same thing all the time."


"maybe that's why dave matthews smokes so much weed.  so he can be happy when he sings."


....


"sure, heather."


------------------------------------


i'm pretty brilliant at night.

the thing is

i was talking to a friend (hereafter referred to as j) this morning at playgroup.  it was 9 am, and no one else would show up for another two hours.  but, of course, i wouldn't miss a chance to get the boys out of the house.  too much home time makes them whiny and argumentative.

we got onto the topic of being a stay-at-home mom.  it's a good gig, you know.  it really is.  i get to wear whatever i want and fill my day however i choose.  i don't answer to anyone, and i'm not on someone else's schedule.  i appreciate these things about my job--its flexibility is one of the reasons i love it.  (also being with the boys.  that's important to me.)  i want you to know this so you don't think i'm complaining or that my life sucks.  because i'm not.  and it doesn't.

BUT.

but.  it, this mothering thing, is isolating.  you spent the vast majority of your time in the presence of children.  and when you do see other mom friends you talk about your children.  and when your husband gets home he's tired and you're tired and neither of you wants to talk about children anymore.

but...what else is there?

j and i come from similar situations.  oldest child, first to get married (both of us tied the knot a few weeks after turning 19), all that.

and we don't regret it, choosing this life.  however...being the oldest, we both feel that "pressure to perform".   to excel, to be the good example.  we never got in trouble, never snuck out.  never drank or smoked pot or acquired random body piercings.

and then, just after graduating high school, we got married.

and had children.

and

just like that

childhood was over.

"we kind of just skipped the rebellious stage, you know?"  i said.  "but now i wonder if it isn't a natural part of growing up.  sometimes i miss being single.  not the actual single part, i suppose, because i do love being married, but...i miss the social interaction that you get from work, or school.  the people you see and laugh with everyday, who tease you and share inside jokes with you."

"i know," she said.  "my husband has these friends from work, and they go out to lunch every day and text each other all the time.  i miss that, you know?"

i do.

i do know.

"but we can't really do that," i mused.  "i mean, the only people i see every day are the grocery store clerks.  and when i do hang out with other mom friends, we all have our kids.  it's not so much bonding as it is refereeing."

she laughed.  we'd been alternately refereeing our four boys during our entire conversation.

"i think i'm boring now," i confessed quietly.  "all i do is babies, cook, clean, watch tv, read.  so when someone doesn't want to talk about kids...i don't know what to say."

"yeah," she agreed.  "i think i know what you mean."

-------

thanks for reading, loves.

i'd like to start posting more of my actual, you know, thoughts and feelings.  ;)  writing is an outlet for me.  i'm always afraid when i post something a little more personal, that someone's going to take it the wrong way or get offended or think that i'm complaining or depressed or that i don't love my kids or my husband.

(for the record, everything's good in this here 'hood.)

but my favorite blogs are the ones that read more like diaries.  the ones that are real, and give me a glimpse into someone else's head so i don't feel so alone, thinking and feeling the way i do.  i do want my blog to be a positive place, but i also want the freedom to just write sometimes without worrying what everyone's going to think.

i hope that's okay with you.

humor

silas and i have almost nothing in common.  after 4 years and some months of marriage, that's been pretty firmly established.

what's funny is that when we were dating, we were all, "OMG!  we totes like ALL the same things!  we're, like, meant for each other!"

...except neither of us talks like a 14 year-old valley girl.

but, for reals now, i think i could count on one hand the things we have in common.

1.  we have the same children.

2.  we...um, like running.  although i like it in a "run a few times a week" kind of way and he likes it in a "i'm planning on dominating in a 100-mile race one day" kind of way.

so there's that.

3.  we like masterchef!  i knew there was something else.  woe unto us when the season ends.  (but then psych starts, so we're still good.)

4.  ...


i'm seriously drawing a blank here.  let me get back to you.

oh yeah.  very occasionally, we'll like the same song.  like that one night we played "walking with a ghost" 12 times in a row.

one thing we do not have in common is our sense of humor.  basically, silas thinks i don't have one.  i tell him that my sense of humor is just more refined than his.

last week, i was telling him about a movie i saw.

(i'll let you figure out which one is me.)


"and then, of course, he gets a soccer ball to the...well, balls, and the whole theater of 9 year-old boys cracks up.  and there were burping and farting jokes..."

"why is that not funny?  a soccer ball to the nuts is hilarious!"

"it's just not!  i've seen that a million times before, i knew it was coming.  the biggest element of humor is that it has to be unexpected!"

"no, it doesn't.  what about on funniest home videos?  when the kid and the dad are playing baseball..."

"yeah, and you know he's going to get whacked in the crotch or on the head.  i don't think america's funniest home videos is FUNNY."

(silence.)

"what is wrong with you?"

i'm thinking back to the time we watched dumb and dumber together.  i think that was the first time silas began to have serious doubts about our relationship.

just kidding.

but really, now.

what do you think?  do you agree with my belief that true humor involves the unexpected?  

or does my inability to laugh at fart jokes mean i'm dead inside?

note: all of the (completely unrelated) pictures in this post are at least 4 years old.  silas stopped shaving shortly after we got married.

but then again, so did i.

what you've missed

you know how i set a goal to read 50 books in 2012?  NAILED IT.  finished my 50th last month, only halfway through the year.

(we're going to overlook the glaringly obvious lack of whatever in my life that allows me to read such a ridiculous amount and just skip right to the "congratulations, you're awesome!" bit.)

white collar marathons.  

neal caffrey.  i rest my case.  

silas refuses to watch it with me.  but it is the best. (ps, season 4 just started!!  i'm waiting for the perfect moment to settle down with a bowl of brownie batter celery sticks and enjoy episode 1.)

ps again--i was absolutely convinced for the entirety of seasons 1 and 2 and most of season 3 that kate was still alive.  i haven't completely banished the thought.

cheesy dip-stuffed bread bowl.  it seems to be impossible for silas and me to watch an episode of masterchef without delicious snacks at hand.

food coloring and shaving cream.

sirius is in LOVE with silas.  and only silas.

bread stuffed with butter and cheese and slathered with more butter.

delicious brownies from katie imhoff's recipe.  

chocolate cupcakes.  stuffed with cookie dough.  topped with a fluffy cookie dough frosting.  this was a win.  (but, as i told silas, definitely not for lightweights.)  ;)

i've been watching dc cupcake while i pit bowls of cherries (my hands look ridiculous after all the cherries and beets i chopped yesterday) and dreaming of the bakery i will open some day.  

it's going to be delicious.

tender moments

today, silas and i sat on the living room floor, sharing a pint of ice cream.

he was trying to spoon a huge chunk of heath bar out of the ice cream it was enveloped in.  i was doing my best to thwart his efforts with my own spoon.

"knock it off!" he said.  i grinned at him.

"did you know that one of my greatest pleasures in life is annoying you?"

he snorted.  "i know.  i'm always there for it."

"shut up," i said.  "you like to annoy me too.  you live for it."

he agreed as i dug out my own chunk of ice cream-covered candy.

"that's what makes us married," i said.

old picture.  say hi to bald newborn tesla!

seriously though.  i know we can't be the only ones that love to push each others' buttons.

i know, i know, love your spouse and all that.


it's just so fun.

an apology to my friends

i am not a good friend.

let's just put that out there.

and even though i really have no excuses, i want to try to explain why i suck at friendship so much.

but first, check out these giant pizza bubbles--my favorite part.

when i was growing up, my dad was in the military.  we moved around a bit.  not A LOT a lot, but by the time i was 18 i'd moved about 9 or 10 times.   (i know this is nothing, that some people move every year or even more than that.)

i made a lot of really good friends growing up.  close friends.  friends that i still think about on a weekly, or even daily, basis; even though i haven't talked to most of them in years.

but every time i moved, i moved on.  completely.  i guess i just assumed that was the natural order of things.  i tried sometimes to keep old friendships going after i moved to a new place, but eventually they would fade.  and i just accepted that.  not to say i didn't cry every day and feel incredibly lonely for a while, because i often did.  but i didn't really put much effort into sustaining old friendships.  i didn't know how.  in my experience, you made friends, you moved, you made new friends.

fast forward.  i'm 18.  i've been at college for a few weeks, maybe a month or so.  i get a call from one of my high school friends, and she chews. me. out.  why have i not called or kept in contact?  do i not care?  how can i just completely ditch the people i've spent the last four years building a close relationship with?

by the end of the phone call, i was sobbing.  i believe she even called me a bitch.  i deserved it.

so, to my friends, everyone that i spent more than a few minutes with in high school and college:  i'm sorry.

i think about you every day.  i can promise you that.  (most of you probably won't be reading this, but i'm serious.  i think about you.  i wonder how you're doing.  i miss you.  i stalk you on facebook.)  ;)

i didn't intentionally ditch you.  i just don't know how to keep friends.

one of the things silas has that i'm most envious of is friends that he grew up with.  friends that he's known since before high school, and after college.

i want to be jealous that he grew up in the same place for most of his life, and has years of shared experiences with these people.

but i know it's my fault that i'm not in close contact with my friends in high school.  i live across the country now, though.  can i still have those close relationships?

one of my bigger faults is that i am terrible about keeping in contact. i hate making phone calls because i'm super awkward on the phone.  (if i had a dollar for every person who's told me, "i got your message but i couldn't understand it because your voice sounds really high-pitched and you were talking too fast"...)

and my email response time leaves a lot to be desired.


another part of the problem was/is that, especially when i'm going through episodes of depression, i get wrapped up in myself.  i live completely in my head.  i don't reach out, i don't make contact with anyone.  i don't think anyone minds, because why would they want to be around a depressed person anyway?

my friends in high school were so good to me.  they took such good care of me.  i can be a difficult person, i think.  especially in high school, when my mood swings were unpredictable and sometimes volatile, i was lucky to find people that accepted me and loved me.  they put up with my hyper/manic energy and they dealt with all the times i came to school, put my head down on my desk, and cried for an hour and a half.

(now most of you are thinking, "wow.  what a basket case.  i'm so glad i didn't know you in high school.")

i've mellowed out.

(a little.)   :)


there have been so many times when i've wanted to email people that i haven't talked to in a while.  how's your pregnancy going?  do you like your new job?  congratulations on getting into grad school, how's it been so far?  tell me about your boyfriend, he looks so cute.  :)  did you decide whether or not to go to cosmetology school?

but these emails never get sent.  i think, "we haven't talked in so long, she probably doesn't want to hear from me.  she's probably forgotten me, an email will just seem nosy and invasive."

and so the cycle perpetuates.

so, to everyone i haven't talked to in a while: i haven't forgotten you.  i'm merely an abysmally poor communicator.  (just ask my husband.)  please forgive me.

lots of love, y'all.

cupcake love

cupcakes from sweet daddy to celebrate finding a swimsuit.

(with the boys in tow, no less.  they were not happy about the shopping but were quite pleased to split a cupcake.)

silas has the biggest mouth i've ever seen.  that is a gigantic cupcake.

and me?

pitiful.

it doesn't even look like i'm trying.



(but take a look at those cords in my neck--maybe i was trying too hard.)


go support your local cupcake shop.  ;)

very superstitious (i hope you're humming stevie wonder now)

i've been denying it for years, but...i'm pretty superstitious.  in strange ways, though.  i've never had a lucky charm or anything like that.  but i've always been sort of a "sign-seeker", i suppose.  in some ways, that's good, because i usually have a lot of faith that no matter what, things will "work out".  but in other ways, it's kind of ridiculous.

for example:  when i was a kid at a birthday party and they were handing out favors, i took what i was given.  if my best friend had one i liked better and wanted to trade me, i would refuse.  something in me  believed that it was the toy i was meant to have and i wasn't supposed to trade.  i would take the hand Fate had dealt me.

(a plastic toy!!)

i'm really not kidding.  i was a mystical little child.  (robin, this probably doesn't surprise you...)  ;)

but anyway.  i'm also superstitious about the ebb and flow of life.  if things have been going well for a while, i start to get suspicious.  today i was out playing with the boys, and we were having such a good day.  i was enjoying myself.  really.  it was so nice.

the weather was beautiful, and i had two adorable pajama-clad boys carrying around pink buckets to entertain me.  life just felt...good.

and then i had the thought that something else was coming.  i'm not trying to be pessimistic, but hey...we weren't put here to have an easy life.  you don't get stronger by floating along with the current.  my superstitious side is anticipating a trial in the nearish future.  i don't know what it will be, but i have a few things i do not want it to be.

(death.  pregnancy.  terminal illness.  a terrible accident.   you know.)

silas and desmond doing 'massages' with the rolling pin

as an aside, i was also very superstitious about my babies and sleeping.  i never wanted to talk about them taking good naps or sleeping through the night because i knew (KNEW) that they would sense my satisfaction and wake up immediately.

trust me.  it happened.

pizza stuffed mushrooms before si and sirius left on their road trip

and just so you know, the last thing silas said to me before he left for utah:

"don't read too much."

really, now.  have some faith in me.

;)

he did it!

today, silas took his last final and has finished his first year of podiatry school!  enter bbq chicken pizza and ben & jerry's.

now he has a 2 week break before summer term starts.  (more classes!  yay!)  but we're going to make the most of it.  and he's going up to utah next week with sirius to run the timpanogos trail marathon, because he's crazy awesome and much more athletic and driven than i will ever be.

(the boys and i will not be tagging along, since silas and i have a strict "no road trips with children under the age of 5" policy.  this policy was enacted after several miserable road trip experiences.)

in other news, silas and i watched "the help" last week.  i am aware that i was most likely the last person in the entire universe to see that movie (and no, i haven't read the book yet either), but for the record...it was very good.  i cried a TON, which i was not prepared for.  tonight we're renting "one for the money", which i'm pretty sure will elicit no tears.  haha.

and in other other news, last night i finished my 29th book of this year.  (!!!)  it was a good one.  i started my 30th today.  

i feel ridiculously pleased with myself for this accomplishment, but i have a feeling i probably shouldn't be.  i think that if we were playing a phrase association game, "reading 30 books in 6 months" would be grouped with "cat lady", "asocial", "no life", and "is friends with the grocery baggers".

you know how it is.

i love how he just crashed, not on either of the beds or on his blanket, but right in front of the door.  oh, little tessles.

have a spectacular weekend.

sometimes crunchy is disgusting

i've turned out to be a lot "crunchier" than I had expected.

 if you'd asked me 5 years ago, my motto would have been "why make it when you can buy it?"

but now I've started to cross the great divide and am trying to make myself at home in the "why buy it when you can make it?" camp.

 crunchy.

 granola mommy.

i did not expect this.

 (i've made granola.)

my explorations into the land of green are mostly limited to the edible arena.  i do not craft.  i do not sew.

but i do cook!   as you are probably well aware.

i make salad dressings (in leftover containers that once contained delicious gelato--which i did not make but did wholeheartedly enjoy),

breads,

various vegetable dishes--some delicious and some kind of disgusting,

 delicious

 delicious

kind of disgusting, unfortunately. 

applesauce,

and, of course, baked goods by the truckload.

currently i am trying out a homemade toothpaste.  the jury's still out. 

sometimes you try something out that everyone is raving about and it turns out to be a complete failure.

i made a homemade laundry detergent last year.  i was happy at first, but after a while--not a fan.  maybe i'll try another recipe in the future but for now i'll stick with the store-bought stuff.  i ruin our clothes enough as it is.

and sometimes, no matter how much other people love something, it's just not for you.

this morning i tried oil-pulling.  it's something i've seen mentioned on several blogs recently, so when i saw the coconut oil at sprouts yesterday i thought, why not?

(why not, indeed.  let me tell you, "why not" is not usually a good reason to try something.)

this morning i awoke and padded into the kitchen to get some coconut oil.  i took small spoonful, placed it in my mouth, and--

ran into the bathroom and gagged over the sink as i tried to rinse my mouth out as quickly as possible.

then i dropped to my knees and dry-heaved over the toilet for a few minutes.

which is how silas found me when he walked into the bathroom this morning.

i'm not sure what triggered the massive gag attack (something about the feel of a ball of oil in my mouth--ugh), but allow me to pass on some wisdom.

 if you have a gag reflex that is even halfway-decent, DO NOT TRY OIL-PULLING.

DO NOT DO IT.

DO. 

NOT.

DO. 

IT.

you have been warned.

fermentation to perfection

i was informed that my last post made me sound a wee bit depressed.  if it did, i apologize.  i didn't intend to give off "wallowing in my own sorrow" vibes.  i'm good.  things are good.  desmond hit me over the head with a huge plastic toy today.

(i'm not depressed.)

silas is a very patient man.  i think living with me is like a refiner's fire for his character.  by the end of our lives he's going to be practically perfect.

the other day he came home and i pointed to a bowl on the counter and announced gleefully, "i'm fermenting rice!"

he just shook his head.  he didn't share my pride or enthusiasm for home fermentation.

just so you know, it went to a good use.

steamed sourdough bread!

(i know, what?)

i found this recipe and was curious enough to try it.  the verdict?

interesting.  i actually really liked the flavor and the heartiness of it.  the only thing i wasn't crazy about was the texture, the middle wasn't as dry as i would have liked it to be.  (easily remedied by toasting it, btw.  mmmm.)  maybe i need to steam it longer?  who knows.  but i am proud of myself for making it.  i feel so hardcore.

another recipe i am a fan of is this homemade "ice cream".  i've seen tons of recipes like this floating around but i never actually tried one until last week, when tesla was sick.  (it was the only thing i could convince him to eat.)  he looooves ice cream (except when he says "ice" it rhymes with "grass".  think about it) and this was a big hit.

sometimes we have it for breakfast.  i even snuck some kale in the other day and he was none the wiser.  it seems to go over better than smoothies (even though it's practically the same thing), and the thickness makes it easier to eat with a spoon.  slightly less messy.  (but still pretty messy)

lovely weather lately.  it's only been in the 90s.  (i never thought the phrase "only in the 90s would pass my lips.  or my keyboard.  arizona has lowered my standards.)  today it even rained for 5 minutes!  i love love LOVE rainy, cloudy days.  although i'm told by my friends in the northwest that it gets old.

remember the game Perfection?  i saw it at target for $5 and bought it on a whim (i think roughly 80-90% of target's revenue comes from impulse buys).  it was a very fruitful whim to follow, it turns out.  tesla loves it.  i love that he sits there by himself and puts all the pieces in, since i usually can't get him to do puzzles.  use those problem-solving skills, little man.


and i have an announcement to make!

i am halfway to my goal of reading 50 books in 2012!  looks like i'm on track to finish strong.  in the beginning i questioned whether or not this goal was realistic, but who am i kidding.  of course it is!  i have no social life!

wait, that's not totally true.  i went to playgroup today.



less than a month until MASTERCHEF SEASON 3!!!!