an apology to my friends

i am not a good friend.

let's just put that out there.

and even though i really have no excuses, i want to try to explain why i suck at friendship so much.

but first, check out these giant pizza bubbles--my favorite part.

when i was growing up, my dad was in the military.  we moved around a bit.  not A LOT a lot, but by the time i was 18 i'd moved about 9 or 10 times.   (i know this is nothing, that some people move every year or even more than that.)

i made a lot of really good friends growing up.  close friends.  friends that i still think about on a weekly, or even daily, basis; even though i haven't talked to most of them in years.

but every time i moved, i moved on.  completely.  i guess i just assumed that was the natural order of things.  i tried sometimes to keep old friendships going after i moved to a new place, but eventually they would fade.  and i just accepted that.  not to say i didn't cry every day and feel incredibly lonely for a while, because i often did.  but i didn't really put much effort into sustaining old friendships.  i didn't know how.  in my experience, you made friends, you moved, you made new friends.

fast forward.  i'm 18.  i've been at college for a few weeks, maybe a month or so.  i get a call from one of my high school friends, and she chews. me. out.  why have i not called or kept in contact?  do i not care?  how can i just completely ditch the people i've spent the last four years building a close relationship with?

by the end of the phone call, i was sobbing.  i believe she even called me a bitch.  i deserved it.

so, to my friends, everyone that i spent more than a few minutes with in high school and college:  i'm sorry.

i think about you every day.  i can promise you that.  (most of you probably won't be reading this, but i'm serious.  i think about you.  i wonder how you're doing.  i miss you.  i stalk you on facebook.)  ;)

i didn't intentionally ditch you.  i just don't know how to keep friends.

one of the things silas has that i'm most envious of is friends that he grew up with.  friends that he's known since before high school, and after college.

i want to be jealous that he grew up in the same place for most of his life, and has years of shared experiences with these people.

but i know it's my fault that i'm not in close contact with my friends in high school.  i live across the country now, though.  can i still have those close relationships?

one of my bigger faults is that i am terrible about keeping in contact. i hate making phone calls because i'm super awkward on the phone.  (if i had a dollar for every person who's told me, "i got your message but i couldn't understand it because your voice sounds really high-pitched and you were talking too fast"...)

and my email response time leaves a lot to be desired.


another part of the problem was/is that, especially when i'm going through episodes of depression, i get wrapped up in myself.  i live completely in my head.  i don't reach out, i don't make contact with anyone.  i don't think anyone minds, because why would they want to be around a depressed person anyway?

my friends in high school were so good to me.  they took such good care of me.  i can be a difficult person, i think.  especially in high school, when my mood swings were unpredictable and sometimes volatile, i was lucky to find people that accepted me and loved me.  they put up with my hyper/manic energy and they dealt with all the times i came to school, put my head down on my desk, and cried for an hour and a half.

(now most of you are thinking, "wow.  what a basket case.  i'm so glad i didn't know you in high school.")

i've mellowed out.

(a little.)   :)


there have been so many times when i've wanted to email people that i haven't talked to in a while.  how's your pregnancy going?  do you like your new job?  congratulations on getting into grad school, how's it been so far?  tell me about your boyfriend, he looks so cute.  :)  did you decide whether or not to go to cosmetology school?

but these emails never get sent.  i think, "we haven't talked in so long, she probably doesn't want to hear from me.  she's probably forgotten me, an email will just seem nosy and invasive."

and so the cycle perpetuates.

so, to everyone i haven't talked to in a while: i haven't forgotten you.  i'm merely an abysmally poor communicator.  (just ask my husband.)  please forgive me.

lots of love, y'all.