the thing is

i was talking to a friend (hereafter referred to as j) this morning at playgroup.  it was 9 am, and no one else would show up for another two hours.  but, of course, i wouldn't miss a chance to get the boys out of the house.  too much home time makes them whiny and argumentative.

we got onto the topic of being a stay-at-home mom.  it's a good gig, you know.  it really is.  i get to wear whatever i want and fill my day however i choose.  i don't answer to anyone, and i'm not on someone else's schedule.  i appreciate these things about my job--its flexibility is one of the reasons i love it.  (also being with the boys.  that's important to me.)  i want you to know this so you don't think i'm complaining or that my life sucks.  because i'm not.  and it doesn't.

BUT.

but.  it, this mothering thing, is isolating.  you spent the vast majority of your time in the presence of children.  and when you do see other mom friends you talk about your children.  and when your husband gets home he's tired and you're tired and neither of you wants to talk about children anymore.

but...what else is there?

j and i come from similar situations.  oldest child, first to get married (both of us tied the knot a few weeks after turning 19), all that.

and we don't regret it, choosing this life.  however...being the oldest, we both feel that "pressure to perform".   to excel, to be the good example.  we never got in trouble, never snuck out.  never drank or smoked pot or acquired random body piercings.

and then, just after graduating high school, we got married.

and had children.

and

just like that

childhood was over.

"we kind of just skipped the rebellious stage, you know?"  i said.  "but now i wonder if it isn't a natural part of growing up.  sometimes i miss being single.  not the actual single part, i suppose, because i do love being married, but...i miss the social interaction that you get from work, or school.  the people you see and laugh with everyday, who tease you and share inside jokes with you."

"i know," she said.  "my husband has these friends from work, and they go out to lunch every day and text each other all the time.  i miss that, you know?"

i do.

i do know.

"but we can't really do that," i mused.  "i mean, the only people i see every day are the grocery store clerks.  and when i do hang out with other mom friends, we all have our kids.  it's not so much bonding as it is refereeing."

she laughed.  we'd been alternately refereeing our four boys during our entire conversation.

"i think i'm boring now," i confessed quietly.  "all i do is babies, cook, clean, watch tv, read.  so when someone doesn't want to talk about kids...i don't know what to say."

"yeah," she agreed.  "i think i know what you mean."

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thanks for reading, loves.

i'd like to start posting more of my actual, you know, thoughts and feelings.  ;)  writing is an outlet for me.  i'm always afraid when i post something a little more personal, that someone's going to take it the wrong way or get offended or think that i'm complaining or depressed or that i don't love my kids or my husband.

(for the record, everything's good in this here 'hood.)

but my favorite blogs are the ones that read more like diaries.  the ones that are real, and give me a glimpse into someone else's head so i don't feel so alone, thinking and feeling the way i do.  i do want my blog to be a positive place, but i also want the freedom to just write sometimes without worrying what everyone's going to think.

i hope that's okay with you.