and i think it gets harder with each year.
but let me explain.
i think of parenting as having two (main) aspects: caretaking and guiding.
caretaking is the more physically demanding bit. with the exception of children who have special needs, the younger your children are, the more caretaking you have to do.
think of a newborn, a tiny baby that requires everything of you. you're not concerned with teaching her the moral implications of sharing; you're just trying to make sure she eats and sleeps enough. and, oh yeah, you have to bathe her, change her clothes (and diapers), get her in and out of her crib and carseat, and carry her everywhere.
the level of caretaking required begins to decrease as your child gets older, and really starts to taper off once your child is preschool age. once your child can put on and take off his own shoes and clothes, bathe himself, feed himself, get in and out of his carseat by himself (preferably not when you're crusing down the freeway at 75 mph...), and walk next to the cart without taking off down the aisle to wreak havoc on all of the carefully stacked cans of beans...the physical demands on you begin to decrease.
but there's a catch. now you've got to be in full-on guiding mode.
in some ways, caretaking is easier. even though it can be draining, for the most part, it's straightforward. (not to say that having a newborn is a cake walk though...ask me how many more babies i want to have.) ;)
for me, at least, guiding is really tricky. i believe this is in part because you won't really see the results of your efforts for several years, maybe even decades down the road--when your child is out in the world, making decisions for and by himself.
you know your end goal. you know you want to raise an independent, responsible, dependable, punctual, compassionate, thoughtful, honest young person who is financially savvy, understands the value of hard work, plays nice, shares well with others, and tries every food at least once.
but the how of that equation, the way you plan to get your intended result (i.e. a model citizen and perfect human being ;) ) is completely up to you.
and the how can be confusing. because in the mini battles you fight every day, you're both winning and losing ground--and it's hard to see if you're even making progress at all.
maybe you think i'm making this into a big deal. "come on, heather," you say. "you're over-thinking this."
maybe it's that easy for everyone else. but i feel like i'm constantly second-guessing myself.
some days the boys listen really well, and i feel good. look at me, parenting them! did you see tesla share that truck today? i'm a freakin' genius.*
and then some days (a lot of days), i feel like a completely ineffective parent.
there are those rare shining, golden moments, that let you see that some of your near-constant training is sinking in. when the boys say, "please" or "thank you" without being asked. when they listen to me the first time. when they hug each other or gently pet a baby's hair. when they say "bless you" and ask if i'm okay when i sneeze. when they point to the ipad, say "mommy's!", and actually don't pick it up.
i treasure those moments. they give me hope. because honestly, no matter how many parenting books/articles i've read, no matter how many brainstorming discussions i've had, no matter how much i care and think and plan...i have no idea what i'm doing.
are we all just winging it?
*"i'm a freakin' genius" is my phrase of choice. i bust it out anytime i'm right about something, or when i just feel particularly awesome.
so basically i say it about 50 times a day.
caretaking is the more physically demanding bit. with the exception of children who have special needs, the younger your children are, the more caretaking you have to do.
tesla
desmond
think of a newborn, a tiny baby that requires everything of you. you're not concerned with teaching her the moral implications of sharing; you're just trying to make sure she eats and sleeps enough. and, oh yeah, you have to bathe her, change her clothes (and diapers), get her in and out of her crib and carseat, and carry her everywhere.
the level of caretaking required begins to decrease as your child gets older, and really starts to taper off once your child is preschool age. once your child can put on and take off his own shoes and clothes, bathe himself, feed himself, get in and out of his carseat by himself (preferably not when you're crusing down the freeway at 75 mph...), and walk next to the cart without taking off down the aisle to wreak havoc on all of the carefully stacked cans of beans...the physical demands on you begin to decrease.
desmond
tesla
but there's a catch. now you've got to be in full-on guiding mode.
t
in some ways, caretaking is easier. even though it can be draining, for the most part, it's straightforward. (not to say that having a newborn is a cake walk though...ask me how many more babies i want to have.) ;)
t
for me, at least, guiding is really tricky. i believe this is in part because you won't really see the results of your efforts for several years, maybe even decades down the road--when your child is out in the world, making decisions for and by himself.
d
you know your end goal. you know you want to raise an independent, responsible, dependable, punctual, compassionate, thoughtful, honest young person who is financially savvy, understands the value of hard work, plays nice, shares well with others, and tries every food at least once.
t
but the how of that equation, the way you plan to get your intended result (i.e. a model citizen and perfect human being ;) ) is completely up to you.
and the how can be confusing. because in the mini battles you fight every day, you're both winning and losing ground--and it's hard to see if you're even making progress at all.
maybe you think i'm making this into a big deal. "come on, heather," you say. "you're over-thinking this."
maybe it's that easy for everyone else. but i feel like i'm constantly second-guessing myself.
some days the boys listen really well, and i feel good. look at me, parenting them! did you see tesla share that truck today? i'm a freakin' genius.*
and then some days (a lot of days), i feel like a completely ineffective parent.
d
there are those rare shining, golden moments, that let you see that some of your near-constant training is sinking in. when the boys say, "please" or "thank you" without being asked. when they listen to me the first time. when they hug each other or gently pet a baby's hair. when they say "bless you" and ask if i'm okay when i sneeze. when they point to the ipad, say "mommy's!", and actually don't pick it up.
t
i treasure those moments. they give me hope. because honestly, no matter how many parenting books/articles i've read, no matter how many brainstorming discussions i've had, no matter how much i care and think and plan...i have no idea what i'm doing.
are we all just winging it?
d
*"i'm a freakin' genius" is my phrase of choice. i bust it out anytime i'm right about something, or when i just feel particularly awesome.
so basically i say it about 50 times a day.
I can't help commenting so often! You are a freakin' genius! I absolutely agree with your deductive reasoning and summation :). Even now with grown (and almost grown) kids, I too still get those AHA moments from one child or another. They happen less often but occasionally I'll hear or or see something I deem to be a positive step or forward moment from one or another and I too find myself quietly saying, 'I am a genius). And sometimes a tear or too might cloud my vision.
ReplyDeleteI'm totally feeling the exact same. There are days when M is TONS easier than Coop. We'll just keep winging it together :) ps 3 days til PR!
ReplyDeletemom--you are a genius! where do you think I got it from? :)
ReplyDeletedeena--TIM GUNN FOREVER!!!!!!