Friday, March 9, 2012

stream of consciousness

i have a lot of thoughts swirling around in my head right now, but i don't have the patience or energy to try to latch onto one and follow it through.

imagine picking up a dandelion puff and blowing on it, watching as the tiny seeds scatter and are taken by the wind.

that's how my head is.  inside.  except there are no neighbors to yell at you for unintentionally propagating the race of weeds.

have i told you how scattered i am?

have you been to this website yet?  it's really funny.

especially to someone who has a master's degree in craft fails.

have i told you how much i loathe crafting?  i'm working on it though.  we made half of a rainbow out of fruit loops yesterday.


i am in my twenties.  this is prime time.  all many many many of my friends are pregnant or have recently had babies.  and many of the people i blog-stalk are also "in a family way".

it's so exciting.  and their babies are so cute.  and part of me says, "hey, remember when your babies were that cute?"


and the other part says, "hey, remember how much fun being pregnant and waking up with a crying newborn is?"

super fun.

(sort of kidding.)

my younger child is 15 months old.  decision time is creeping up.

have i told you how indecisive i am?  i have a master's in that, too.

yeah, we just got to the heart of the matter.  the "to 3 or not to 3?" question has been bugging (and by bugging i mean plaguing) me for a while.

transitioning to one and then two children wasn't a big thing for us.  there were definitely hard times but it just seemed natural.  3 just seems like a big leap, you know?  or maybe you don't know.

i definitely don't know.

and i was so sure with tesla and desmond.  they were both planned (which surprises some people) but i knew that's what i wanted.

baby number three would be a game-changer.

3 means a bigger car.

3 means a bigger apartment.

do i really want to be pregnant again?

do i really want to go through sleep training again?

this is a really personal topic, and definitely a personal decision, but you guys.  it's all i think about.

am i even the kind of person who can handle more children?

i change my mind about this hourly.

for example:

tesla and desmond are playing cars in their room together while i finish up the breakfast dishes.

yes!  more babies!

desmond starts wailing because tesla just snatched a car from him.

no!  two is enough.

the boys are sitting on my lap while we read books together.  it's quiet and peaceful.  they're actually listening.  (mostly)

yes!  more babies!

they freak out and start crying when they see what i've served them for lunch.

NO!  two is enough!

they hold my hands as we cross the parking lot to the gym (major victory).

YES!  more babies!

i leave the gym early because they were crying too much in the childcare area and, sweaty and shaky, cross the parking lot to the car while holding over 60 lbs of crying toddlers in my arms.


i'm not trying to be a whiner.  i love my boys.  i'm lucky i was able to have them and that they are healthy and happy.

but i feel like i just barely got my feet under me.  do i really want to shake things up again?

and yet a clock is ticking in my head.  rationally, i know this is silly.  i have plenty of time.  i just wanted all my kids to be close together, and every month that passes is another month older the boys are.

are my worries illogical and ridiculous and unfounded?


but am i still consumed with this huge, life-altering decision that must be made NOW (or so it feels)?


why am i writing about it?  i don't know.  maybe to get it off my chest.  and maybe this is how i cope.

when i'm approaching a decision, i talk about it ALL. THE. TIME.  much to the annoyance of my husband, parents, friends, and passing strangers.  it helps to express my doubts and weigh my options and go over everything once or twice (or a million times).

and it helps to get opinions.

even if, in the end, the decision is ultimately mine (and silas', in this case), i like to hear other people's opinions, experiences, and stories.


if you read this, if you made it all the way, weigh in.

if you have one kid, if you have six kids, if you have no kids, if you think kids are annoying and why don't their mothers put socks on them and wipe their noses?...tell me about it.



  1. Ohhhh much as I want you to have another baby, don't do it unless you are absolutely sure it's time. If you think it is time, but you are letting your fears hold you back...cut it out!

  2. You know my vote... But I honestly don't know how you even hack two ;) yikes that sounds, um, illegal and creepy. And don't worry, I'd say you still have a solid six months before your third would be considered not super close in age. And three more years before its considered a "gap." that said... Make more babies!!!

    I'm just trying to make silas my best friend ;)

  3. Babies babies babies babies babies babies !!!!

  4. Silas is not going to be happy with you guys.... ;)

  5. Right after I had Freddie I truly thought that 1 was enough and that that was it......even though I had a pretty good pregnancy (minus bless palsy, arg)..... And I had an incredible birth!!!! Serious. I loved it. It's just that he filled every void. And it was hard.
    So then one day I was looking at photos of my fav photographers newborn with 2 other children and was like...awwww......siblings for Freddie!!!!!! I wanted more. Then recently my husband was busy with work stuff and though I wasn't justified, I was frustrated and tries to get back at him by not wanting anymore and telling him so!!!
    But then I recently I realized how wonderful he is an much he really helps me and I know I can do it.
    PLUS there is the possibly of a girl, and while that freaky, it's also exciting!!!

    I SAY DO IT! Three!!!! Love you!!

  6. nikki! you can totally do it! have more!

    ;) i'm always ready for my friends to have more babies. they make such cute ones!

    i understand though. and i was thinking about it and i think i need some time to "rediscover myself" as it were (or discover myself in the first place...) before i'm ready to have any more children. i think if i'm in a more stable and confidence place as a woman i'll be able to offer a lot more as a mom.

    keep it up though! freddie is adorable and you seem like such a loving mom.

  7. I think everyone thinks about this they just don't voice it (that's how I am anyway). In my opinion, you are super brave to have 2 kids so close together. I don't know why, but for me the leap from 1 to 2 seems huge, but 2 to 3 not so huge, haha.

  8. that's interesting. i think that's how it is for most people. almost everyone i've asked said the leap from 0-1 was really hard, or that the change from 1-2 was a big adjustment. it makes sense, by the 3rd one you should kind of have things figured out right? ;)

  9. I just spent the last bit reading your blog and TOTALLY wishing we were still "neighbors"! You are an amazing mommy and so much fun to be around. Why didn't they make us companions earlier so I could have got to know you more. Thank goodness for blogs. :)

    As for the kid thing, I'm in your same situation right now!! Jocelyn and Miles are almost 3 years apart but we tried for them to be closer and it took over a year to get pregnant so you never know how long it will take (although, it seems like you have good luck with the timing :) ) Miles and Desmond are the same age and I am freaked out to have another but feel like I should. Aagh, it takes so much courage! Why am I afraid? Well, not because of the baby so much as the pregnancy. My body doesn't like being pregnant. I do love babies though!

    Anyways, no advice really. There are so many things to consider. Best of luck! Miss you and chatting!! I love people that are open!

    question- do you eat vegetarian?

  10. Haha!! I saw you pinning pregnancy/baby stuff and I was like "aaah!! Is she having another baby? Miles and desmond are the same age, should I be having another baby?"

    It's a hard decision, mostly because there's no real "right" answer. Some people have no kids, one kid, two kids, six kids, ten kids....and you have to take into account your own mental health, the state of your marriage, etc.

    One thing I used to tell myself is that you might regret not having another, but you'll never regret one of your children. However, you don't want to push yourself too much and get lost in the chaos.

    Hmmm....well we were veg/mostly vegan for a while, but then spring break came....haha. But I think we need to get back to that because I've been feeling pretty crappy lately.

    If you ever want to discuss the baby decision endlessly, I'm here!!