stream of consciousness

i have a lot of thoughts swirling around in my head right now, but i don't have the patience or energy to try to latch onto one and follow it through.

imagine picking up a dandelion puff and blowing on it, watching as the tiny seeds scatter and are taken by the wind.

that's how my head is.  inside.  except there are no neighbors to yell at you for unintentionally propagating the race of weeds.

have i told you how scattered i am?

have you been to this website yet?  it's really funny.

especially to someone who has a master's degree in craft fails.

have i told you how much i loathe crafting?  i'm working on it though.  we made half of a rainbow out of fruit loops yesterday.

I KNOW GUYS.  I'M SO GOOD.

i am in my twenties.  this is prime time.  all many many many of my friends are pregnant or have recently had babies.  and many of the people i blog-stalk are also "in a family way".

it's so exciting.  and their babies are so cute.  and part of me says, "hey, remember when your babies were that cute?"

(kidding.)

and the other part says, "hey, remember how much fun being pregnant and waking up with a crying newborn is?"

super fun.

(sort of kidding.)

my younger child is 15 months old.  decision time is creeping up.

have i told you how indecisive i am?  i have a master's in that, too.

yeah, we just got to the heart of the matter.  the "to 3 or not to 3?" question has been bugging (and by bugging i mean plaguing) me for a while.

transitioning to one and then two children wasn't a big thing for us.  there were definitely hard times but it just seemed natural.  3 just seems like a big leap, you know?  or maybe you don't know.

i definitely don't know.

and i was so sure with tesla and desmond.  they were both planned (which surprises some people) but i knew that's what i wanted.

baby number three would be a game-changer.

3 means a bigger car.

3 means a bigger apartment.

do i really want to be pregnant again?

do i really want to go through sleep training again?

this is a really personal topic, and definitely a personal decision, but you guys.  it's all i think about.

am i even the kind of person who can handle more children?

i change my mind about this hourly.


for example:


tesla and desmond are playing cars in their room together while i finish up the breakfast dishes.

yes!  more babies!

desmond starts wailing because tesla just snatched a car from him.

no!  two is enough.

the boys are sitting on my lap while we read books together.  it's quiet and peaceful.  they're actually listening.  (mostly)

yes!  more babies!

they freak out and start crying when they see what i've served them for lunch.

NO!  two is enough!

they hold my hands as we cross the parking lot to the gym (major victory).

YES!  more babies!

i leave the gym early because they were crying too much in the childcare area and, sweaty and shaky, cross the parking lot to the car while holding over 60 lbs of crying toddlers in my arms.

NO!  TWO IS ENOUGH!

i'm not trying to be a whiner.  i love my boys.  i'm lucky i was able to have them and that they are healthy and happy.

but i feel like i just barely got my feet under me.  do i really want to shake things up again?

and yet a clock is ticking in my head.  rationally, i know this is silly.  i have plenty of time.  i just wanted all my kids to be close together, and every month that passes is another month older the boys are.

are my worries illogical and ridiculous and unfounded?

perhaps.

but am i still consumed with this huge, life-altering decision that must be made NOW (or so it feels)?

yes.

why am i writing about it?  i don't know.  maybe to get it off my chest.  and maybe this is how i cope.

when i'm approaching a decision, i talk about it ALL. THE. TIME.  much to the annoyance of my husband, parents, friends, and passing strangers.  it helps to express my doubts and weigh my options and go over everything once or twice (or a million times).

and it helps to get opinions.

even if, in the end, the decision is ultimately mine (and silas', in this case), i like to hear other people's opinions, experiences, and stories.

so.

if you read this, if you made it all the way, weigh in.

if you have one kid, if you have six kids, if you have no kids, if you think kids are annoying and why don't their mothers put socks on them and wipe their noses?...tell me about it.

hugs.